


Pictures.

by amareee



Series: One Direction (Gay Fics) [4]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gay, M/M, Pictures, Sad, post breakup, zayn and niall - Freeform, ziall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 14:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 20,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amareee/pseuds/amareee
Summary: ❝where is zayn, niall? he never comes over to celebrate with us anymore; i miss him.❞❝i miss him too, branna.❞or the one where niall is no longer with his lover zayn, and doesn't know what to tell his four year old cousin when the new year comes around.©amareee, 2016*lower-case intended*





	1. Chapter 1

i sighed to myself as i packed up my things to move to my new flat, my mother fussing about as she tried to search the house for any possible things that i could've left behind. i rolled my eyes as i shook my head, watching how she flew around each room with her short hair in a tiny pony tail from moving around my stuff all day.

i was sad to be leaving home, but at the same time i was happy. i was becoming independent, i would be experiencing uni for the first time without my mother breathing down my neck about course work, mates, and levels. i had a steady job so far at a near by book store, and all in all, my life seemed to be going down the right track. that certainly wasn't the case almost a four years ago.

i picked up the last item that was going into the box labeled,  _memories_  and froze, the small shoe box staring at my wide blue eyes as i took a deep breath. i hadn't opened it since the years i'd mentioned before, and as badly as i wanted to lift the cover and sort through the photos, i knew that it wouldn't be such a good idea. but my heart always bested my brain and i lifted the teal painted box, my breath hitching at the polaroid pictures inside.

i lifted the pile out of the box and picked up the first polaroid, a small smile coming on to my face as i looked over the two boys that had been so happy in the photo. he was laughing, my arm resting around his shoulders while i buried my face in his neck to blow ticklish raspberries into it. that was when we had turned our friendship into something more, something we knew had begun to blur the lines between friendship and a relationship.

but i didn't mind because i was in love with him; i still am in love with him. it was too bad that not all things lasted forever, and as much as i wanted to just simply place the lid back on to the shoe box and pack it with the rest of my things; i just couldn't.

so i sat on my old stripped bed with my legs crossed, taking out the pictures and spreading them out one by one in order, from the very first picture, to the very last. a whole four years without him hasn't completely healed me, but i had gotten a little better ever since he left without explanation. i still missed him. i still hoped that he would walk through that door with his beautiful smile and hazy, golden eyes. but this was reality, and reality was never as kind to us as our imaginations were.

i ran my thumb over my messy handwriting that was scribbled in the white below the picture, biting my lip as i reminisced. it was memories like these that made my heart flutter with hope and sink with reality at the same time. he wasn't ever coming back.

but still; it didn't hurt to take a trip down memory lane now and then, right?


	2. Chapter 2

**march** **17, 2014;** **monday** **.**

i shoved zayn for the fifteenth time as he laughed, dropping his 3DS into his lap while i rolled my eyes.

"oh! zayn five, niall zero! that's five races in a row horan; you better step up your game for mario kart." i smiled as i shook my head, turning off my own 3DS and lying back on my bed. it was our last year of college and i was beyond stressed out, not wanting to screw my exams like i've done in the past. zayn was a genius when it came to his classes so he was fine, but i still struggled with my english course work.

ever since i could remember, zayn and i had been inseparable. no matter what life threw at us, we always took it and pushed through like the champions we were. i smiled to myself thinking about it, watching how he turned off his own game system and placed it into the small pocket of his bag.

"yeah, yeah; we're supposed to be studying anyway you know. isn't that what you came over for anyway? to help me with my english?" i whined, resting my head on zayn's shoulder as he chuckled and grabbed his backpack, pulling out his english textbook from the large pocket along with the book that we were supposed to read for our final exam.

which, i hadn't even done more than just read the front cover.

i still had my head leaning against his shoulder as he shuffled closer, opening up the textbook and placing it halfway into his lap and halfway into mine. before he could even open his mouth to ask what topics i had already covered, my older brother greg opened the door, warning us that dinner would be ready in a few.

he stopped and stared at us before i quickly pulled away, scooting as far away from zayn as i could while my best friend sat there bewildered. it's not like I suddenly didn't want to be close to zayn because I did, it's just that greg wasn't really ever comfortable with how close we were. so i made it my own personal mission to make sure that i didn't make my brother uncomfortable with our friendship, but most of all, zayn.

i didn't want him to make up some bullshit lie about him to my mother, and knowing her, she would believe greg over anything. the worst scenario that could happen is her forbidding us from seeing each other again, and i was  _not_  going to allow that to happen. greg thought he was just protecting me for being so possessive about who i was allowed to hang out with and how close i got to that person, but it was annoying. i could take perfect care of myself.

zayn knew about it, so that's why he didn't immediately react when I scooted away. he thought that greg's protectiveness over me was unnecessary, since he had his own life to worry about. "he shouldn't be concerned about what his younger brother is doing anymore," as zayn put it. i couldn't agree with him more.

"what were you guys doing?" i sighed as i shook my head, standing up and pushing greg towards the door.

"nothing! zayn was just trying to help me study for my english exams. don't worry about it." i shut the door on him then turned around, blowing a stray hair from my face as i leaned against the door, and i couldn't help but smile as i saw zayn smile back at me.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**april 6th, 2014; sunday.**

i frowned as i read over the text message i'd received just a few minutes ago, feeling stupid for not telling zayn that he shouldn't ask. i locked my phone as i lie back on my bed, feeling this weird, angry bubble growing in my stomach. and growing.  _and growing_.

until finally i texted him back, my fingers typing rapidly on the screen as i pressed send and pouted, crossing my arms and ignoring the many vibrations that came from my cell phone. i don't know why i felt so angry; it wasn't my place to tell him who he could and could not date. i was his friend; i was supposed to support him.

i picked up my phone once again and sighed, unlocking it and reading over the messages.

_she said yes! i asked Perrie to go for a movie and she said she would go!_

**good for you. have fun.**

_what's that supposed to mean?_

_niall?_

_niall why aren't you answering me now._

_what have i_   _done to make you upset?_

_can't you just talk to me? please?_

_you know what, fine. sulk all you want. see if i_   _care._

i shook my head as i typed a reply, feeling bad that i had made him feel bad. i couldn't decipher why i was so angry. i knew why, but then again i didn't know why. i didn't  _want_  to know why. but as i tapped the send button and winced at how he sent me a small selfie of him smiling, i knew why i had grown angry at the idea of him and perrie going out on a date together.

**don't worry about it, it's not you. i'm just having a bad day is all, sorry zee.**

_oh, good! i thought you were angry because i was going out with perrie! don't worry, no matter what you're always going to be my number one!_

_[image attatched.] :)_

i was jealous.


	4. Chapter 4

"niall? have you finished with the last box?" i snapped out of the memories as i quickly placed the pictures back into the box and placed on the lid, putting it into the large brown box and hurriedly folding over the flaps. just as i finished with the last flap and grabbed the tape my mother came in, her forehead sweaty as she huffed.

"i've got the last box, don't worry mum. this one is going in the car with me, not the trailer." i commented, taping it up as i spoke. luckily she left it at that and went to get us both a quick glass of lemonade to cool us down. as i was taping the box shut i couldn't help but think about my discovery, wondering why my past self couldn't just burn the box of pictures.

they obviously had no meaning to me now, and i figured that i could just dispose of them when i got to my new home. new house, new beginning, and i would start by throwing the past away. i had stopped living there a long time ago, and honestly, i would feel a lot better not dwelling on it. i picked up the box and lugged it outside where my car was waiting, opening the already crowded back seat and shoving it inside.

my mother met me in the driveway with a cup of lemonade waiting in her hand, a small smile on her face as she sighed and looked out at the small neighborhood I'd grown up in.

"i'm going to miss you, you know that?" she sighed, sipping on her lemonade while resting her head on my shoulder. i smiled and placed my arm around her, feeling the same sadness sink in as i looked between my house and my small car. this was really it, wasn't it? i was leaving home, and leaving behind a place that had good memories, but bad memories as well. i gave her my now empty cup of lemonade and ran a hand through my hair, giving her a huge warm hug before taking my car keys from my pocket and walking towards the driver's seat.

"be safe! call me when you get there; i love you niall!" i smiled as i waved and started up the car, driving out of the driveway and making my way towards the highway that would take me to the city. yet, as i continued to drive i couldn't help but stare at the box in the back seat, the brown cardboard staring back at me.

suddenly, i was thinking that taking the box of pictures with me wasn't going to be such a good idea.


	5. Chapter 5

**may 21st, 2014; wednesday.**

i blew a stray hair that fell down in front of my forehead as i sat next to zayn at lunch, not even touching my food as i heard the giggles of perrie a few feet away from me. the two of them were laughing and joking about something that happened in their art class, and i was beyond irritated.

they'd been dating for a whole month now, and i get it, they're in love and it should be wearing off by now. but it  _hasn't_. it's just been a shit load of "pez is my babe" and "zee is my babe". and yes, the fact that she called him the nickname that i had come up with also contributed my hatred towards their relationship.

i didn't hate perrie; if anything, i loved her. she was sweet and kind, and very pretty. it just irritated me that she stole zayn's heart. i don't think i ever really realized how much i really liked zayn until he started to pay less attention to me to hang out with perrie. everytime i heard him talk about her and see the look in his eye, my heart sank.

he was so in love; and it wasn't because of me. i was sad, but i couldn't sulk in front of him. as his best friend it was my priority to make sure that i supported him no matter what decision he decided to make. i was so into my thoughts that i hadn't even realized that they were staring at me, and i furrowed my brows as i looked back.

"yeah?"

"you were uh, stabbing the hell out of your pasta." perrie pointed out, zayn looking worried as they both gestured down to it. i looked down to see my noodles sliced up, my plastic fork piercing through the styrofoam bowl. i bit my lip as i placed my fork down and stood up, grabbing the tray and sending them a small smile.

"just overthinking again. don't worry, i'm okay. i'll see you after school zayn?" I forced a smile as i began to walk away without acknowledging zayn's worried tone in his answer, trying to force back the tears that threatened to surface. the more i tried to convince myself that i was doing the right thing by sticking around them and supporting them, the more the tears wanted to come.

i wasn't stupid; i knew that there was no way that he and i could be together. but the only way i could find an excuse to be around him as much as i pleased was because we were best friends. if i decided to cut that off now, there wouldn't be any reason for us to be around each other. it was either stay his friend and continue this mental and emotional torture i put myself through, or cut him off and not feel so emotionally drained anymore.

the dilemma rang in my head like a loud church bell and i started to get a headache, groaning as i walked down the empty hallway. i had to make a decision; and i had to make it fast. i don't know how long i can keep up this, 'i'm happy for you guys' façade, knowing that some day i was going to break. i could feel that day coming, and it was coming fast, but that question continued to bombard my thoughts.

was i really ready to let him go?

 


	6. Chapter 6

**june 1st, 2014; sunday.**

it had been a couple of weeks since my mini breakdown in the school hallway, and i'd finally made a decision. i couldn't allow myself the mental torture and decided that it would be best if zayn and i had gone our separate ways. perrie had basically become not only his girlfriend, but more of his best friend (i may have contributed to that one because i declined every opportunity he made to hang out with me).

but it was an absolute necessity to distance myself from him instead of just cutting him completely off. after all, he has never really done anything to personally make me upset; if anything, he was clueless about how much he was hurting my unrequited feelings for him. so it made a lot more sense to make it seem like we had just grown apart, that his relationship had nothing to do with the way i was acting.

i was in my room re-reading one of my favorite novels, the shell seekers when the doorbell rang. my brows furrowed; mum wasn't supposed to be home for another hour or two and greg was at his girlfriend's house. they both had house keys—oh no. could it really be him? he didn't ring to let me know he was coming unless—all the color drained from my face.

he knows i've been avoiding him.

i hesitantly made my way down the hall and towards the foyer of the house, looking through the peephole to see him standing there. his leather jacket, the stubble he refused to shave off of his beautiful jawline. just looking at him made my heart ache, especially when i saw him anxiously tapping his foot and reaching up to knock on the door.

"niall! i know you're home; please open up."

i opened it and leaned against the door frame, blocking him from coming in. i knew that if i let him into the house now, there was no way i could keep up this act of staying away from him. as much as it pained me i kept my face neutral, waiting for him to speak as he looked me in the eye. 

"niall," he reached out to hug me but i flinched away, looking to the side towards the neighbors house to avoid the hurt expression i knew he was giving me. "i haven't seen you in weeks, hung out around your house or around you in general, and you can't even give your best friend a hug? if i can even call myself that anymore." he ranted, and i almost let my composure down until i reminded myself why i was doing this.

it's for the best, niall. he shook his head as he stepped closer to me, his cologne invading my senses. his proximity wouldn't allow me to hide myself anymore so i looked away again, fighting the tears pooling in my eyes. don't cry,  _don't cry_. he'll know that something is wrong if i cry, and i can't afford that.

"if you could just tell me what's wrong—" he reached out for me again and this time i vocally protested as i moved away from him, standing behind my front door now.

"no! don't touch me! i'm sorry zayn, but we can't be friends anymore." i whimpered out, the tears falling freely as i watched his face fall, his brows furrowing as his sadness turned to anger.

"this is greg's doing, isn't it? niall you can't let his foolishness get to you! who cares if he's homophobic, you and i are just friends; he has to realize that!"

"yeah well, maybe some of us don't want to be just friends anymore." oh my god. why in the  _hell_  did i say that? now he's definitely going to know! before he could say anything i shut the door on him, locking it behind me as i pressed my back against it and let my sobs escape.

"niall! niall open the door! i'm serious; niall open the fucking door! i'm not leaving until you tell me why you haven't spoken to me in weeks!" i shook my head as i pressed my hands against my ears to block out his fists against the door, the sobs racking my body as i screamed back at him.

"go away! i don't want to be around you anymore! we were never friends; so just go home, you freak!" i hit a rather soft spot of his that he told me about when we'd first became friends; and that did it. it was the only way to get him to leave. within a few minutes the banging on the door stopped and the heavy clanking of his boots faded from my porch, the very sound of them leaving making me sob harder as i sniffed.

maybe i had made the wrong choice.

 


	7. Chapter 7

i finished bringing in the last box from the trailer and sighed, resting my hands on my bare hips. the sweat had become too bothersome so i had swept off my shirt, leaving me in my joggers and trainers. i smiled to myself; this apartment wasn't half bad. it was a few blocks down from the campus and i felt quite proud that i had scraped up enough money to afford it. it was the average studio apartment; i'd just changed some things up a bit. i headed out to my car to grab the last box in the back, feeling my stomach twist from knowing what lie inside.

i brought it out of the car and shut it behind me, locking it with my keys and hurriedly rushing inside. i set the box down in my designated bedroom and sighed, taking my keys in hand and stabbing the tape on the box. i slid it easily through the rest of the tape and slowly unfolded the flaps. my breath hitched once more as my eyes fell on the teal box, staring up at me with the black hand-writing that belonged to him. i took it out and immediately opened the box and dumped out the pictures in my hands, placing them in a small pile and walking towards the fireplace in the small living room.

i threw them into the dusty place and brought out my matches, lighting it without a second thought. but, just as i was about to throw it, i couldn't help but stare at the only picture that landed face up. he was staring at me; i remember now. harry had taken the picture of us, my head thrown back in laughter at something he had said. zayn was staring at me, and just from looking at the picture I could still see how much love he had for me then.

"ouch!" the match was still burning and it had burned all the way down to my fingertips, making me drop the now black stick on the hardwood floor. i lit a second match; then a third. then a fourth. yet i still couldn't do it, small tears rolling down my cheeks as i sunk to my knees and took a shuddery breath. i loved him too much to burn our memories.

so i collected the photos from the fireplace and carefully dusted them off, piling them on top of each other once more while slowly walking back to my bedroom. i grabbed the spindle of thread that i took with me and punched holes through the top corners of my favorite photos of us, hanging up the string of thread over my mattress. i sighed to myself as i sat down on my bed and took in the different photos, memories replaying in my head over and over again.

no matter how hard i tried, he was always going to be stuck not only in my mind, but in my heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**july 28, 2014; monday.**

zayn had blocked me from all of his social media for a month now, and honestly, it was expected. i could no longer see his snaps, couldn't look at his instagram, or his tweets, or his facebook posts. was i happy about that? no. but was it helping me cope with the fact that he wasn't mine? yes. i would torture myself every day by looking at old pictures of us on his profile, his selfies. hell, i'd even stare at the pictures of him and perrie that he posted just to see the happiness that i couldn't be the source of.

greg has been overly happy for this past month, and i had an idea that it had to do with mine and zayn's now diminished friendship. The fact that he wasn't supporting me was enough to make my sadness hook it's claws deeper into my already pierced heart; did he really hate him that much? i sighed as i unlocked my phone to play another game of color switch when the doorbell rang, making me furrow my brows as i got out of bed.

"i've got it greg!" i shouted, making my way down the hall and immediately opening the door. i was surprised to see a beautiful young girl with her hair falling down her shoulders in loose waves, and an even more gorgeous guy standing beside her. she looked a little more open with her grin while the boy next to her had a frown on his face. he looked nervous to be here since his eyes were cast to the ground; luckily i had snapped out of my weird stare and smiled at the two.

"hey; can i help you two?"

"well, my brother and i just moved in across the street and we wanted to say hello!" she bumped her elbow hard into his side and he groaned, sending a glare up to her before turning his attention towards me. i raised an eyebrow seeing the intense shade of green that his eyes held, his teeth gripping his bottom lip out of frustration as he sighed and held out his right hand.

"i'm harry styles. nice to meet you."

 


	9. Chapter 9

**august 25, 2014; monday.**

i was back at school again, but i wasn't alone like i was expecting myself to be.

harry and i had ended up becoming best friends. not as close as zayn and i had once been, but close enough in my book. he knew everything; from how i'd realized i liked zayn when it was too late, to what i had to do to cut him off. he knew what i was going through; he moved from redditch when he came here to bradford and he had to leave his boyfriend, ed behind.

we'd learned to cope with each other, and i couldn't have asked for a more supportive friend. of course people were surprised to see that zayn and i no longer hung out together anymore (it was a small school after all) but they were even more surprised when they saw that zayn was being a complete and utter dick to me.

i understand why; i'd called him a freak. but he was being excessive; calling me names, pushing me around, sometimes pushing me so hard that i fell and dropped all of my things. it hurt; really fucking hurt. i'd even broke down crying once but it had no affect on him. and if it did, he didn't even show it.

i had completely messed our relationship up, but in my eyes he was a lot better without me in his life. he and perrie seemed to be happier than ever; hell they were known as the cutest couple in school. speaking of the cutest couple, harry and i were walking down the hall together towards our english course when they turned the corner up ahead.

 i immediately cast my head down, not wanting to look at him, and harry didn't protest; he never defended me when zayn spoke because he told me he was waiting; what for? i wasn't sure. but zayn was most likely going to keep it to the verbal abuse today since i was with somebody. he only ever pushed or shoved when i was alone.

"hey dumbass." i kept quiet, trying to pretend like it didn't sting my heart to hear him call me names. harry's jaw tightened beside me but he still stayed quiet, moving his tall figure closer to me as we continued to walk.

"i'm talking to you!" zayn gripped my arm and shoved me back towards the lockers, making me wince as i bit my lip and avoided his blazing brown eyes. but just as soon as he'd shoved me back his death grip was off of me, harry pushing him back with his green eyes dark with fury.

"you've got balls to shove him in front of me, malik." harry growled, standing protectively in front of me.

"zayn, let's just go." perrie said softly, tugging on his backpack strap. he ignored his girlfriend's plea and threw another punch at harry, his knuckles making a sickening  _thwap_  as they hit his jaw.

"stop!" i cried, biting my nails as the two boys rolled around on the floor. perrie and i shared a nervous glance towards each other as students pulled out their cell phones to record the fight that harry seemed to be winning.

"stop! both of you, enough!" a teacher had come stomping down the hallway while harry stopped throwing punches and stood up, pushing zayn away from him as he sniffed and wiped the blood from his nose. i immediately ran to his side and checked over his injuries, sighing to myself while perrie knelt down beside zayn. he looked worse than harry; a bruised lip and bleeding nose and a black eye that looked to be forming.

"touch niall again, and i'll fucking kill you."

 


	10. Chapter 10

i pulled my t-shirt over my head as i sighed to myself, gathering my books for my courses that i had to take in about an hour. i might as well start driving now before i get caught in the school traffic. i slung my bag over my shoulder and headed out, feeling my phone vibrate in my back pocket.

"hello?"

 _hey, ni. wanna meet up before class?_  i smiled hearing my friends voice, holding the phone between my shoulder and my ear as i unlocked the car door.

"sure. the small deli outside of the library?" he confirmed his answer and i hung up, starting up the car and driving off towards the campus grounds. i thought about how far harry and i have come since our days in sixth form, the two of us slowly becoming inseparable. i'll never forget what he did for me when he got in that fight with zayn, and i'll be grateful for it for the rest of my life.

i pulled up to the deli to see harry's motorcycle waiting outside, seeing his tall figure waiting in line. i smiled and climbed out of my car, leaving my books since we still had about half an hour to grab our coffee and go to our classes. i opened the door and smelt the soft ribbons of cinnamon running through the coffee shop, harry turning and grinning as he held out his arms.

"niall!" he shouted, catching the attention of the students around us. i immediately blushed; we were only just starting college, and already harry was making a scene.

"harold! stop!" i whisper shouted, laughing as i wrapped my arms around him. we swayed a bit into the hug and pulled back, harry pushing my hair out of my face for me as he smiled and then turned to order for the both of us.

after we'd ordered we strolled outside and sat on top of the trunk of my car, sipping on our drinks as we enjoyed the warm breeze rustling the tall trees littering the campus. we always hung out like this; not even talking. just enjoying each other's company.

"how's ed?" i decided to bring him up, well aware that harry had just recently gotten in touch with him. he sighed, putting his cup down in his lap while looking up at the light blue sky.

"he's good. he's got a girlfriend now, and of course i'm hurting but...as long as he's happy, i'm content." he sent me a small smile, trying to mask the hurt that he felt. he was still in love with ed, after two years. i didn't blame him; i was over here stuck in the same situation.

"still stuck on him?" he knew that i was uncomfortable with anybody saying his name, and i gave a slow nod.

"i found our old pictures yesterday. kinda hurts but, i'll be alright." he gave me a reassuring pat on the back, his eyes squinting as the students started to move a little faster since courses would be starting soon.

"love sucks, my friend. love sucks."

 


	11. Chapter 11

**september 30, 2014; tuesday**

perrie and zayn had broken up. was i happy? honestly, no.

he was very happy with her; or so it seemed. i wasn't really sure. ever since he and harry had gotten into that fight, he hasn't bothered me. he avoided me in the halls, usually dragging perrie with him as they dashed down and around the hall to get away from me. i was glad that he was no longer bullying me, but it made me sad that i didn't get to see him anymore.

harry told me that he saw the two of them arguing and zayn had finally called it quits, shaking his head as he walked away from her. perrie had deleted every picture she had with zayn from her instagram, leaving no trace of him at all. it was like the two hadn't even been dating; they avoided each other every chance they could, zayn occasionally glancing my way but then ignoring me after.

they were acting weird, and today i wanted to ask perrie what was going on. she didn't know why i suddenly stopped being friends with zayn, so the two of us were still kind of friends. i made my way up the cobble steps that led to her house, knocking on the door and waiting.

she opened the door with mascara running down her pale face, her natural hair up in a ponytail as she sniffed and leaned against the door.

"i can uh, come back at a later time if you'd like?" i was uncomfortable; i'm never really good at helping my friends when they feel down or start crying.

"no no, it's okay. please come in." she ushered me inside and we both made our way to her living room, perrie sitting in the loveseat with her legs crossed while i sat and leaned back against the larger couch. she was quiet at first, wrapping herself in her blanket as she tilted her head and watched me play with my fingers before looking up at her icy blue eyes.

"you want to know what happened," she spoke, her voice soft and frail as i slowly nodded. "well, to make a long story short, he told me that we just weren't meant to be together anymore. it started out well at first, but, the longer we were together the more distracted he became. especially when he started bullying you." i jolted up at that, raising an eyebrow as she scoffed.

"i knew about the bullying, witnessing that fight with harry and him wasn't the first time. i just feel sorry that i never stopped him."

"don't. i deserved every second of it."

"no, you didn't. i don't know why the two of you decided to stop being friends, and it's none of my business. but nobody deserves to be kicked and beaten for their own choices." i felt my heart warm at perrie's kind words, glad that i never let my jealousy hate her innocent being. she was sweet; oh so sweet.

so why did zayn break up with her? what had she done wrong?

 


	12. Chapter 12

**october 17, 2014; friday.**

i sat inside my bedroom with my journal in hand, the pen sweeping across the paper and leaving black inked words in it's wake. when i couldn't voice my thoughts i wrote them in here, my brown leather back sanctuary.

the hard rain soothed my racing mind and i sighed, finishing up my last thought and closing the journal. as i tied the leather string around it to secure it the doorbell rang, making me furrow my brows as i slowly got up. nobody should be out in this rain; thunder was coming soon.

i made my way down the steps and opened the door, the hard wind blowing in my face as i looked at the figure in front of me. his black hair was matted to his forehead, his hazel eyes burning into my blue as he breathed heavily. he stepped past me and into my house, shutting the front door behind him and pinning me to the door.

his wet hair dripped on to my warm skin as i kept my hands pinned to the wall behind me, watching as his eyes searched my own for a hint of something; whatever he was looking for. i felt my heart beat faster as he leaned in, his wet lips touching my shivering ear as he spoke.

"i can't stop denying it anymore." i furrowed my brows and moved my head back so that i could look at him, only to have him press his lips against mine in a feverish kiss. his hands wrapped into my blonde hair, pressing his wet body against my own.

i was surprised, yet i couldn't help but kiss back. after all, it's all i've been wanting for the past few months. i brought my hands up to his soaking wet hair and wrapped my arms around his neck, hoping that the kiss would never end. he pulled back, his hot breath fanning over my flushed face as he sniffed. he was crying.

"i'm in love with you, idiot."

 


	13. Chapter 13

harry and i parted ways as we made our way to our classes, my cold hands being warmed up by the coffee i had as i made my way towards photography. i pushed open the door and sighed, feeling the warm breeze from the heater washing over my body.

i smiled at the nearby students that were already seated, earning a few smiles back as i brought out my laptop and set down my coffee, opening my album full of different photos. people, animals, scenery, anything you can take a picture of, i had. the more students that filed in the more i focused on my pictures. we would have to build a portfolio for the professor so he could understand where each of our levels were.

as i was choosing out the best pictures to drop into the file labeled "portfolio", i couldn't help but overhear a few whispers from the people nearby.

"who's that?"

"he's hot, holy shit."

"lowkey i'd suck his dick."

i furrowed my brows as i looked up, feeling my chest tighten and my stomach drop down to the pits of hell as he browsed the seats in front of him. he'd changed; a few more tattoos littering his arms and some peaking out on his chest from underneath his tank top. he'd dyed his hair a striking silver, his eyes just as smoldering as they had been when we'd first met.

i quickly looked down before our gazes could meet, praying that he wouldn't recognize me. i had dyed my hair blonde since he'd left me, and i hoped that he wouldn't sit anywhere near me. but of course, i heard him set down his bag right in front of me and pull out his laptop, opening the silver lid and quickly typing out his password to log in.

i could feel my heart beating faster the longer i sat next to him; his cologne invading my senses every time he shifted to take something from his bag, or type something up from his files. either way the more he moved the more uncomfortable i felt, shifting just as much as he was as i sighed.

"would you like me to move?" he sounded agitated and annoyed, and for some reason that made my own anger boil as i furrowed my brows but kept my face away from his piercing gaze.

"no. i'm not bothered if that's what you think." i kept my voice low, knowing that he would recognize me in an instant if he even had an inkling of who my voice could match. honestly, i wasn't surprised that he hasn't recognized me so quickly; i changed a lot over the years that he had left me ever since our final year and sixth form of college.

i had grown a few inches taller (though it was obvious that he was still the taller of the two of us) and i'd built some muscle instead of saying my same scrawny self. i'd dyed my hair blonde and cut it quite short, a little longer than his hair was. all in all i was a completely different person; not really the same as i was when we had first gotten together.

"oh, well you were fidgeting quite a lot and—hey. do i know you?" his brows furrowed as he leaned closer, making me instinctively move farther from his studying gaze as i shook my head.

"no, i would've remembered if i met somebody like you." i bit my lip as i mentally cursed myself. why did i say that? he might think i was flirting with him! but, what if i  _was_  flirting with him? no, i couldn't be! i carefully made a side glance towards him to see that smirk he used to give me on the daily, leaning back with his left arm resting on the back of his chair.

"huh. well i don't mind a little flirting from a cutie like you. but i bet you're more gorgeous underneath that shy gaze towards the floor." he winked, making me blush furiously as i brought my hands up to hide my face. oh my god. why was i allowing myself to keep becoming flustered? i hadn't had attention like this since i tried dating my old friend liam a couple years back, and trust me;  _that_  hadn't ended well at all.

"i could've sworn i knew you from somewhere else." he persisted, and before i could open my mouth to defend myself once more the professor walked into class, announcing that class was going to finally begin.

_thank god._

 


	14. Chapter 14

**november 20, 2014; thursday.**

zayn held my hand underneath the table, my mother, father, and brother seated at the table across from us with anxious looks on their faces. i don't blame them; i told them that i wanted to talk them about something serious, knowing that that alone would strike worry in them without a problem.

ever since zayn had kissed me that day, we'd both thought it best to end the pointless non-communication between the two of us and started to date; and i was as happy as i could ever be. of course harry still struggled with the fact that we were now dating; he was almost as protective as greg.

except for the fact that he supported my decisions no matter what instead of constantly trying to control me.

"so, i know you guys are stressing out because i haven't told you yet what i wanted to talk about. but uh, zayn and i..." i looked towards him, nodding while he sent me a reassuring smile as he brought our intertwined fingers up to the table. "we're together." he finished for me, biting his lip as he waited for our parents reaction.

zayn was well aware that greg hated him so he didn't really care for his opinion; but he was deathly afraid of what my parents would say. they've known zayn for years and knew how long we had been friends for; but they didn't know  _why_  we'd stopped talking to each other for an extreme amount of time.

i guess now it was starting to make a little more sense.

"fuck no! this isn't happening, and i'm not accepting it!" greg stood up, knocking the kitchen chair back in the process, making me jump while zayn immediately gripped my arm, ready to move me somewhere else if things started to get a little too hectic.

"greg please—" i tried, only to duck as he tried to throw a nearby dish at me. my eyes widened in fear as i looked behind the wall where the dish had shattered; right behind my head.

"gregory!" my father roared, standing up from his chair as he grabbed him from trying to lunge at zayn.

"i told you to stay the fuck away from my brother!" he screamed, my mother watching on in horror before she turned back towards zayn and i.

"get him out of here while we talk some sense into him." she pleaded. zayn complied and immediately ushered me towards the door, the both of us trying to ignore the shouts  coming from my house as zayn led me to his car. the neighbors had come from their house to see what was going on, only to see a sobbing me and a worried zayn as he ushered me in first and then shut the door, jogging to his side of the car and quickly getting in.

"i'm sorry baby, i—"

"just please get me out of here." i whispered, hugging my knees to my chest as he started the engine and drove away.

+

we ended up at some cliff with nando's in our laps, zayn making sure i had finished my plate first before getting started on his. he knew that i didn't eat when i felt sad or stressed out, so he basically force fed me until he felt that i would finish the plate on my own.

"you want to talk about what just happened?" i shook my head as i slowly munched on my last piece of chicken, not even knowing that i was crying again until he started to unbuckle my seat belt and then climb into the back seat.

"come here, love." i didn't object once as i made my way into the back with him, curling up in his arms as he ran one of his hands through my hair.

"it'll be alright. i know greg is stubborn but, he's your brother. hopefully he comes around."

_i really hope so._

 


	15. Chapter 15

**december 25th, 2014; thursday.**

my head rested in his lap as i played with the discarded wrapping paper on the carpet, zayn running his fingers through my hair as he watched his younger sisters unwrap their presents. i had been spending my nights at zayn's house ever since coming out to my parents, terrified of going home due to greg's reaction.

i knew my parents would feel conflicted about my coming out, but i never thought greg would have reacted so bad. i loved my brother; looked up to him really, and it saddened me that he felt the need to disapprove and destroy our relationship.

zayn's parents had been extremely understanding which i was grateful for; i felt that i should at least give them half of my paycheck as rent for letting me stay for so long. his mother denied it of course, another reason why i was beating myself up for not facing my fear and going home.

"babe. babe?" i blinked and looked up to see zayn looking down, his eyebrow raised as he sent me a warm smile.

"sorry; what's up?"

"there's still a present that's not opened." i furrowed my brows, wondering why he was bringing it up to me until i saw him handing me the gift.

"zayn—"

"before you say no, just open it. please." i bit my lip and nodded, slowly unwrapping the gift and furrowing my brows to see a cd inside of it. his younger sister wahliya slowly pushed a radio towards me, a smile already surfacing as i opened the case and took out the cd, placing it inside.

i pushed play and immediately felt my heart warm as the guitar riffs started to play for the first song. i immediately turned my attention towards him, a nervous smile playing around his lips as he rubbed the nape of his neck.

"do you uh, do you like—"

"i love you." i blurted, immediately covering my mouth while his eyes went wide. wahliya gasped while zayn's eyes went wide, his other sister Safaa and his parents tried to hide their smiles, telling their daughters to follow them to the kitchen so we could have at least a bit of privacy.

"you love me?" all i could do was nod, feeling my face heat up beyond comfort as i fiddled with my fingers. before i knew it i was attacked with kisses, my laugh unwillingly leaving my mouth as i struggled to push him off.

"i love you too."

 


	16. Chapter 16

"so, i can't get a name?" i let out an exasperated sigh, feeling my patience running thin as he followed me all the way back to my car. i just wanted to leave before he finally figured out who i was.

"no, you can't. class has been over for fifteen minutes now and you're  _still_ following me around. can't you just go to your dorm? or apartment, i don't know where you're staying and i don't care to know." i whined, entering the lot and making my way towards my car. yet he still was following behind me, and it took a no brainer to realize that the motorcycle, black and silver parked next to my car was his.

"this is my bike, love. ain't she beautiful? i have an apartment to get back to as well." i felt my heart swell but sink at the same time from the pet name, but i ignored it; letting annoyance flood through my brain as i sighed. miraculously, i still had managed to keep my face hidden, continuously looking down and pulling out my cell phone.

 _hey, got your text. i'm waiting at your place._  i smiled and quickly replied to my curly haired friend, feeling zayn slowly making his way towards me to peek over my shoulder to see who i was talking to. the action made me smile; he still had the same traits that he had when we were together.

"who's that?"

"none of your business. could you just, leave me alone?" i reached into my bag and grabbed my keys, bidding him goodbye as i got into my car and started the engine. i pulled out of my space and left him in the lot, sighing in relief.

+

i pulled into my driveway and put on the brakes, cutting the engine as i blew a stray piece of hair out of my forehead. harry came out of the apartment with his hair up in a bun, his eyes showing concern as he knocked on the window.

"what's up?"

"i-it's zayn, he's here—" i cut myself off as i heard the familiar sound of a motorcycle making it's way down the street, knowing damn well that it wasn't harry since he was standing right in front of me.

"it's good to see another harley around here, but anyway; did you just say zayn? are you sure it was him?"

"i'm sure, same voice, same eyes, same style; he still has the tattoo." harry raised his eyebrows, interrupted by the engine of the bike cutting off right next door. when i saw the silver and black paint on the bike, i had the painful feeling that he was the driver. my fears were confirmed as he tugged off the helmet, revealing his silver locks and chiseled jaw.

my face drained of all color when my blue eyes met with hazel, his eyebrow raising as he grinned and got off the bike, twirling his house keys around his fingers.

"well would you look at that. hey, neighbor."

 


	17. Chapter 17

**january 12, 2015; monday.**

"happy birthday my love!" i pounced on to zayn's sleeping figure, his brows furrowing as he huffed and pulled me into his arms. he placed his hand over my mouth gently, his musk invading my senses as he sighed.

"just sleep, some more. please." he groaned, his breathing already going back to easy and steady as he fell back to sleep. i rolled my eyes as i wiggled free of his grasp and made my way downstairs, his parents sending me a small smile as they dug through the cabinets and fridge for ingredients.

"if you don't mind; i actually wanted to make zayn breakfast in bed." they both exchanged a surprise look, trisha nodding as she stepped aside to allow me full access to the stove.

"be my guest."

+

we were holding hands, the two of us walking down the streets of bradford for his birthday. after accepting my breakfast (which i had ended up burning) we went out for brunch instead, finding the cutest diner that had given zayn a free slice of cheesecake.

"did you have fun today babe?"

"i did, very much. i'm happy that you're here with me, you know?" he grinned down at me, making me beam back as i rested my head against his shoulder.

"i love you."

"i love you more."

"god hates the both of you though." zayn furrowed his brows while i physically tensed, recognizing that voice anywhere. greg was with his group of friends, all five of them staring us down while zayn protectively stood in front of me.

"can we help you?" greg stepped forward, chuckling as he looked down for a few moments and then to me.

"yeah. give me my younger brother and i can take him home. and you won't get your ass beat." i felt my stomach churn and my heart drop in fear, looking behind him to see one of his friends holding a bat. greg was serious. i looked up to see zayn ready to fight, only to tug on his sleeve and gesture towards the guy holding the bat.

"i'll just, i'll just go home. really. i don't want you to get hurt." i could see his heart physically break through the look in his eyes, hesitant to let go of the grip on my arm until he nodded and slowly let me go. i took a deep breath and walked over to greg, wanting to wipe that disgusting smirk off his face.

"if i go with you, your friends walk away, and you leave zayn alone. for good." greg nodded as he held out a hand; i brushed past it and scoffed, not wanting to look back to see the heartbreak i knew would be written all over zayn's face. but i stopped walking when i heard a snap of the fingers and his beautiful voice groan in pain.

i turned to see them dragging zayn into the nearby ally, my heart dropping as i started to sprint back to him. without hesitation greg picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, keeping me from kicking and pounding his back as i screamed for my boyfriend.

"zayn! somebody help us! please; they're going to kill him!" i caught a few people's attention, their brows furrowed as greg shoved me into the car and locked it.

i begged that somebody took me seriously and was making their way to the alley right now with the police on their cell line, because i know  _damn_  well that as soon as i got home.

greg was going to jail.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**february 28, 2015; saturday.**

"why don't you sit down, son." my whole body felt numb as i listened to the simple gesture my father told me to do, sitting down in the cushioned couch as my parents look at each other before looking towards me.

"well, there's no easy way to put it. zayn's parents think that you two being together is too dangerous so; they've asked that you no longer see zayn. and we ask that you comply to their rules." i could feel my eyes widen as my heart withered inside my chest, an involuntary gasp escaping my lips.

"what? no...i can't do that! you can't make me do that; he needs me!" i shouted, feeling my face turn red as both sadness and anger swirled inside my stomach. how dare they tell me that i'm not allowed to see him, not allowed to touch him; not allowed to  _be_  with him.

"i'm going to see him; take the bus if i have to. the only one who he needs right now is me!" anger clouded my mind as i shoved on my shoes and grabbed my coat and wallet, making sure i had my bus card before running out the door and ignoring my parent's calls for me to come back.

+

"what do you mean i can't see him? what kind of bullshit rules are those?"

"i mean that you are not family or his parents, and because of that you are not allowed inside the intensive care unit without his parent's permission! now i will not ask you again, leave the premises now or i will call security!"

"bitch." i muttered under my breath, about to turn back when i saw trisha and yaser walking down the long hallway of the hospital; zayn in a wheel chair in front of them.

"zayn!" i felt both joy and hurt seeing him in such a bruised state, running over to him as quickly as i could. i went to reach for him but he recoiled from my touch, avoiding my gaze as his hazel eyes burned into the tile floors. "zayn?"

"go home, niall. i don't want anything to do with you." i could feel my entire world collapsing as i stared blankly at him, trying to push it aside as some type of sick joke.

"what?" he rolled his eyes, exasperated now as he turned to face me once again.

"i said, i want nothing to do with you! don't you get it? because of  you, i'm here; barely able to walk out of the hospital just to get home! i don't feel safe around you anymore niall, not with your psychopath brother threatening me every other second!" i could feel the tears well up in my eyes again as i kneeled down, gently placing my hands on his thighs. when he winced i quickly pulled them away.

"greg is; he's gone, zayn. please. don't do this to me, not after all of this. i love you, and—"

"i don't love you anymore. what part of that are you not understanding? you aren't good for me, you were never good for me. now leave before i ask the hospital to escort you out." i could barely move, feeling my heart ache as he stared at me with empty eyes. his voice matched his eyes; holding no emotion.

"he's not going to move; let's just go home." yaser whispered, trisha nodding as she glared at me and wheeled zayn around my still, kneeling figure. i couldn't believe it; zayn and i were over.

 


	19. Chapter 19

i'd been trying to avoid zayn ever since that dreadful day in photography. i always made sure i made it to class just before lessons began, so i wouldn't constantly have to sit next to him. but the damn boy always reserved a seat for me.

he found out where harry and i had our usual coffee and got a job—yes, a  _job_ —there just so he could see me every other day. it made my stomach flutter just to know he was doing those things for me, but i was afraid that if he found out who i was, he'd run for the hills just like when he first left me.

i shook those thoughts out of my head as i walked into the book store, smiling at the sight of so many books and the near by coffee shop. it was heavens gift from above to land me a job here, and i couldn't be happier to have it.

i bid hello to my co-worker louis, smiling as i took out my badge with my employee ID and wrapped it around my neck. as i did so i heard the jingle of the door opening, louis' usual cheerful voice coming through from the front.

"new customer blondie!" i rolled my eyes as i made my way out from the back, freezing when i saw who was at the counter. could i never catch a break from this man? a viper tank top and black skinny jeans with his boots was all that had caught my attention until i looked up at his face, looking away when we had made eye contact. immediately his face bared a smile, his eyes searching for my own as he shifted his weight on his feet.

"well, small world isn't it?"

"more like small campus. what are you doing here?" he shrugged, biting his lip as he looked at the array of books we had to offer.

"i just like books." my breath hitched as my mind traveled to some other place, another memory that i shared with him before that night in the hospital.

_"come on, zayn, just one book! i promise!" i begged him, tugging him into the barnes and noble as i looked at the wide selection of books. it'd always been my dream to work in a bookshop; my one escape from the world that we were stuck in._

_"yeah, you say one and then we end up with ten. niall you always spend half of your paycheck on books. books! why so much money?"_

_"i don't know. i just like books. hey, look! teen romance!"_

"hello? hello are you good?" i blinked to see zayn was staring at me, his face uncomfortably close as i cleared my throat.

"yeah. now what are you looking for; fiction or non-fiction?"

"fiction."

"okay. fantasy, romance, crime, mystery, horror..."

"whatever you suggest." i blew a stray piece of blond from my forehead as i sighed, placing my hands on my hips before making my way over to the mystery section.

"mystery seems to be your thing." who am i kidding? zayn wasn't as obsessed with books as i was, but he still liked to read them from time to time. and mysteries were always his favorite. he smiled as he ran his fingers over the spines of the books, mimicking what i used to do when he and i were still together.

_so he hasn't forgotten._

"anyway, i'll leave you to look after the books. if you find something you like, louis will ring you up." he nodded as he read the back of  _after_  by amy efaw; one of my favorites. i smiled to myself as i started to walk away, only to stop when he cleared his throat.

"actually, i wanted to ask you something about this one. have you read it before? it seems interesting but i—"

"niall! could you come help me organize these books and stop talking to mr. hotty back there!" i felt my stomach drop, nausea taking over as i stared at zayn. until now, i'd kept my name hidden from him, and of course, ditsy louis went and blew my cover.

"n-niall?" i felt my heart beat faster, my breath coming out shallow and ragged as i looked down at the floor and then back into his eyes. he seemed just as terrified as i was, backing away slightly as his grip on the book tightened. so i did what any person would do if they wanted to avoid a situation.

i ran.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**march 11, 2015; wednesday.**

school, home, sleep, repeat. that's all i did for the past month. i was upset;  _beyond_  forgiving towards not only zayn but my parents. they encouraged me to forget him, encouraged me to date other people to help get over him.

the most idiotic suggestions i could receive from the people that are supposed to love and protect me no matter what. the only one who seemed to stick around my moody self was harry. he endured the constant hitting, slapping, whining, complaining; god knows that i didn't deserve a friend like him.

hell, he was even understanding when i had kissed him out of nowhere, trying to feel something other than the sinking pain that i held inside my chest. i felt like my entire being was collapsing on itself without zayn to hold me together, and the only one who had been kind enough to step in and take it all was harry.

god, just writing down his name makes my heart sink and my eyes water. i miss the way he'd smile with his tongue between his teeth, arms wrapped around me tight with his chin resting in the crook of my neck.

i miss how he'd tilt his head and stare at me with those bright coffee eyes, the way his cologne used to leave its overwhelming smell on my clothes, on my sheets; even on my own skin. i missed every fiber of his being, and it pained me to know that no matter how long my heart yearned for him, i was  _never_  going to get him back.

"knock knock." i looked up from my knees that were pulled to my chest to see harry holding a bottle of water and a bag containing pasta from his mother's house. for the past month he had been the one bringing me food because i knew that if i were to step foot into the kitchen, i wouldn't be able to stop myself from eating everything in sight.

i didn't respond; instead i just crawled over to him from where i was seated, resting my head into his lap and slowly moving my arms to cradle his stomach and back while he slowly shifted us farther on to the bed.

"i wish that greg had beaten me up instead of him. i wish that zayn and i had never gotten together so i wouldn't have to feel this pain. i wish that i had never been born gay so that i wouldn't have fallen in love with my best friend." the more i continued rant, the more my chest started to close in on me and my breaths falling short, sniffing as the tears leaked from my eyes and ran down my cheeks to land on his jeans.

"stop. eat your pasta and drink your water. or i'll feed it to you until you stop blaming yourself. everything that has happened is not your fault. you know that i don't specifically believe in god, but i do know that there is a higher power up there, and that higher power has something planned for you niall. life is about suffering through and having different experiences, and let me tell you; if you're not fighting for the one you love, or suffering through the pain of life?"

" _then you are not living._ "

 


	21. Chapter 21

**april 26th, 2015, saturday.**

he moved. he moved.  _he. moved._

i couldn't believe my eyes when harry had driven past his house and saw the for sale sign on his lawn, the drape-less windows showing the empty living room that held so many memories between us. i'll admit, i became a blubbering mess and sobbed all the way home from the gas station with the chips resting in my lap, harry stepping on the gas pedal a little more so he could get me home.

it'd been a month since i'd left my house (yes, harry had been bringing my school work to me because i didn't even want to get out of my bed. so no, i hadn't seen him around town ever since our break up. i would have thought that if i avoided him, if i stayed away; my heart wouldn't hurt so much. but now i'm regretting the fact that i stayed away, because he's gone.

the love of my life, who i know that i will  _never_  stop loving was gone, and not even sparing me the kindness of at least letting me know that he was gone. but really, what did i expect? my eyes closed as i thought back to that horrible night in the hospital, my stomach flipping as his angered voice rang over and over in my head.

_"i don't love you anymore. what part of that are you not understanding? you aren't good for me, you were never good for me."_

"niall...niall we're back at your house." i jolted up from my passenger seat and looked around, seeing the silhouette's of my parents in the living room as they moved around to straighten up the place. i rubbed my fingers against the plastic bag containing all the junk food we planned to eat, feeling my eyebrows knit together as i handed the bag to harry.

how dare he. how dare he easily take my heart into his hands and crush it into nothing, leaving me breathless on the floor while you up and left like nothing was wrong. but not anymore. i'm not going to be weak. i'm not going to stand by and let myself wither away like i have been.

i shoved the bag of junk into harry's lap and unbuckled my seat belt, ignoring the strange look i was getting from harry as i got out of the car and stalked over towards my house, already setting my sights on the goals i knew that i had to complete. no more. no more.

"no more."

 


	22. Chapter 22

i kept those memories in mind as i entered the employee back room, throwing off my t-shirt and switching into my other one as fast as i could before louis could come in to stop me. it wasn't his fault that he accidentally gave me away, but i did  _not_  want to be here and face the man who had torn me apart. not when i had just put myself back together.

"niall; niall where are you going?" i slammed my hands against my locker, causing louis to jump in surprise as fear slowly dripped into his bright blue eyes. i turned and faced him, knowing that my eyes were showing everything but forgiveness and mercy as i pointed towards the door.

"that hotty, out there? that's my ex. the same ex, that broke my  _fucking heart_. he didn't know that it was me, until you decided to open your big mouth, and basically hang me out to dry! god damn it, louis!"

"i-i'm sorry, i didn't know—" i pushed him aside as i stuffed my phone into my back pocket, opening the door to see zayn standing on the other side of it. his eyes were watering, lips only showing a sliver of his tongue as he tried to find the words.

"i'm guessing you heard it all," he reached a hand out; i stepped away. "don't touch me. don't fucking look at me; don't even  _think_  about me. leave me alone."

"niall, please try to understand—" i didn't hear the rest of his sentence as i stormed out of the book store, ignoring the tears that slid down my frosted cheeks from the biting wind that blew around town. i quickly got into my car and slammed the door shut, sobs wracking through my chest as i banged my hands against the wheel.

i screamed until my throat was raw, screamed and screamed until all that came out was the wheezing sound that your voice makes when you're sick. never in my life had i felt such anger; not since that day when he broke up with me. immediately i phoned harry, telling him to meet me at my apartment and use the key underneath the mat to let himself in.

+

i drove into my driveway and turned to my left to see zayn's motorcycle in his driveway, the lights on in his house as my anger turned to fury. i got out of my car and slammed the door shut, making my way to the front door and turning the unlocked knob.

"harry? harry!" i yelled, watching as my best friend came running from down the hall, shirt off and hair messy and eyes hooded as he stood there in his dark washed jeans and american flag bandana. from the looks of it he was taking a nap, and all i could do was run up to him and slam my lips into his. our teeth clashed as my hands roamed over his bare skin, his own arms wrapped tightly around me like a comforting blanket as he picked me up and led me towards my room.

he lie me down on the bed and almost tore my shirt in half, knowing that this was what i wanted, what i  _needed_. after all, it wasn't the first time we'd done this. his lips kissed down from my neck down to my chest, and i knew that soon, he would make all of my pain go away.

because that's what he did best.

 


	23. Chapter 23

**may 30, 2015; saturday.**

i kept my back turned as a tear rolled down my cheek, harry wide-eyed as he stared up at my ceiling for a good few minutes before sitting up and throwing his legs over the side.

"i think uh, i think i'm going to go." i nodded as i continued to avoid eye contact with him, listening to him put his shirt back on and the zipper to his pants close as he walked over to my bedroom door with his shoes in his hands.

"i'll see you tomorrow for graduation rehearsal. bye, niall."

"bye harry." i winced as my voice cracked, waiting to hear the front door close as i finally let the gates open and the sobs come flooding out. i couldn't believe what we just did; how  _i_ was the one that kissed him, was the one that took off my clothes as he lie me down on the bed.

was the one that pushed him off when he said "i love you".

i couldn't believe that i didn't see it before, didn't see the signs that pointed to me that he liked me as more than a friend. the way he took care of me, the way he was so protective when zayn would bully me. how he had grown distant with me when we had been dating, how he looked slightly relieved yet sad when we had broken up.

i didn't mean to take advantage of him, i really didn't. i just, i  _needed_  someone, and he was there, and i know that it's fucked up but at the moment, i didn't care about anybody but myself. i sniffed as i finally got out of bed and wordlessly put on my clothes, walking down the stairs to see my parents in full discussion.

"this break up has really destroyed him."

"well, what do you expect? he really loved him bobby."

"yes, i know that maura. but did you see his friend harry? he wasn't wearing a shirt when he left; i don't care if he's having sex, but if he leads that poor boy on..." i didn't want to listen them anymore so i turned and walked back up to my room, shutting the door behind me as i ran a hand through my hair.

why was i letting myself continue to spiral out of control?

 


	24. Chapter 24

**june 2nd, 2015; tuesday.**

harry and i's arms were interlocked as we walked underneath the arch covered with flowers, both girls and boys dressed in either tuxedos or beautiful dresses smiling at us in our gowns and caps. today was graduation day, and i was feeling so many mixed emotions. 

i was happy, sad, nervous. i wasn't a kid anymore; a full fledged adult about to head off to college. as we continued to walk down the arches together, i couldn't help but let my eyes flicker between our awaiting seats and harry's face. he looked so happy as he grinned, dimples deep in his cheeks as he occasionally waved to his family seated behind the graduate seats.

why couldn't i look as happy?

"it's okay not to smile, niall." i looked up to see his grin soften, a small smile sent my way as he bent down and pressed a small kiss to my forehead.

"i've always liked you. but if zayn is always going to have your heart then i understand. who knows, maybe the two of you will see each other again someday." i felt a squeeze to my heart as i thought about that possibility, only to shove it to the back of my mind.

"i'm sorry that i don't like you back. it's just hard, and i don't know if we'll even meet in the future. such a slim chance, harry. he's gone. and i don't think he's ever coming back. but thank you though; i appreciate you trying to lift my hopes." i smiled, leaning my head against his shoulder as we finally made it up to our seats and went into alphabetical order.

+

"congratulations class of 2015!" with a big grin i took my tassel and switched it to the other side, cheering with the rest of my class as we took off our hats and tossed them high in the sky. luckily i caught the one that was mine and placed it back on my head, making my way through the large crowd to try and find harry.

in no time i had found the mop of curls trying to escape the confinement of the hat placed upon them, green eyes shining bright as he hugged all of the friends we've made during our four years of high school. i slowly approached him and laughed when he turned around and noticed me, scooping me into his arms and spinning me around.

"we did it! we fucking did it, niall!"

"yes, we did! now what?" he smiled, placing me down and turning so that we both faced our families, smiling into the camera.

"now? now we live our lives. happily."


	25. Chapter 25

i woke up to the sun peaking through my blinds, a tattooed chest underneath my arms as i pulled myself out of the grips of sleep. at first i was surprised; but seeing that the tattoos were of two birds on his collarbones instead of lips with accompanying wings. i sighed as i rolled out of bed, tugging on my boxers and sweats as i scratched the back of my neck.

i always felt guilty after harry and i had finished; knowing that i was using him as more than a friend. but i couldn't help it, especially seeing him again. how was i even going to face him? i'm not just going to drop my classes because he's there, and yet, i didn't even want to look at him in fear of him bringing back old feelings that i had finally gotten the courage to get over.

or had i simply buried them?

i shook my head as i turned on the coffee machine, placing a mug underneath as i set up the flavor that i wanted. as the machine started to heat up i felt another presence behind me, turning to see harry in his boxers and t-shirt and curls bouncing over his shoulders.

"morning."

"hey." i stayed quiet, folding my arms around me as he sat at the coffee table and waited for my coffee to finish. he knew that after we had our little... _time_  together, i liked to be by myself for a while. usually afterwards he left, but i guess this time he thought i wouldn't be stable enough to be left alone.

"will you be okay after i take off? i'll see you later today after my english class?" i nodded, offering him a small, but genuine smile as i turned to take my coffee out of the machine.

"all yours. i'll see you later, yeah?" he nodded as he smiled, getting up to make his cup while i hightailed it to my bedroom. i shut the door behind me and placed the coffee down on the bedside table, reaching into my drawers and finding the small box of photos that i kept after moving in. i opened the lid and felt my heart beat faster, feeling all of my emotions come in like a tidal wave as i looked at selfies and random photos of me or him.

to make things worse, i looked out the window to catch the scenery of the area, only to see zayn walk outside, shirtless just like me but with his jeans on instead of sweats. he looked gorgeous as always, hair perfectly swept up and the silver shining like white snow underneath the rays of the sun. i shook my head as i looked away, my eyes landing on the photo hidden underneath the one labeled  _our first date_.

i was underneath him, head thrown to the side and shirtless as the blankets covered the both of us, his eyes were completely focused on me, and the intensity was so unbearable you could just  _feel_  it by looking at the photo. my face was flushed, and the more i stared at the photo the faster the memory came rushing towards me.

_"z-zayn, i'm nervous." i felt breathless, the way he looked at me making me even more flustered as he bunched my boxers into his hand and tossed them to the side. the both of us were naked now, skin warm as he leaned half of his weight on me and slowly reached his hand down._

_"it'll be okay. remember: i **will**  stop if you say the word." i nodded, feeling his warm hand wrap around me and i had never felt something so intense in my life. i was breathless, hands fisting the sheets as i stared into his eyes. they burned a fiery hazel, a look so intense that i had to look away as i felt the pleasure take over._

_i couldn't even pay attention to the flash going off next to me, my back arching as i felt the warmth in my stomach spreading over my body in a wave of euphoria. and with that i heard the camera clunk against the floor, both hands and his intoxicating lips now being used to make me feel things that i never thought i could feel before._

i snapped back to reality, looking down at the floor to see harry's pants and boots gone, leading me to believe that he was gone. i left my coffee untouched as i jumped out of bed and peeked out the window, seeing zayn walking out fully dressed with his helmet in his hands, getting ready to head out on his bike.

as fast as i could i headed over to the front door, not even bothering to put my shoes on as i sprinted from my front yard to his. before i could even think about it i was in his driveway next to his motorcycle, next to  _him_  as he gave me a surprised look. his eyes darted from my house to me as i bit my lip and looked away, thinking that it was a bad idea to come out here with no plan.

but i did have a plan. i had a plan to find out  _why_  he did what he did almost two years ago.

"why."

"what?"

" **why did you leave me.** "


	26. Chapter 26

"niall; i've got class in twenty minutes."

"e-mail someone and have them send you their copy of notes. this is more important to me." i don't know  _what_  spirit possessed me, but i gripped his arm in my hand and tugged him to my house, his non-resistance encouraging me to continue pulling him along. within a few minutes we were in front of my open front door, zayn following me inside and then turning around to shut the door.

i paced the floor for who knows how long, zayn watching my every move as if i was a tiger ready to pounce on it's prey. which, honestly, i wouldn't blame him for thinking that way. i was livid, upset; every negative emotion was combining into one as i recalled that terrible day for me.

"so, are we going to talk, or no?" i turned around as fast as i could, walking up to him and pushing his chest.

" _we_  are not going to talk. just you. explain to me why you left, because i know that you still love me. somewhere, deep down. you don't throw away what we had as quickly as we did." he stayed silent, eyes avoiding mine as he crossed his arms and leaned up against the wall.

"people fall out of love all the time; unfortunately i'm one of those people." his calm demeanor was really starting to piss me off; how could he do it? i was over here falling apart, all of my emotions out in the open while he sat back as if everything was alright? i wanted to see him just as upset and angry as i was, wanted to see him suffer just as badly as i had for the past few months, wanted to see him cry.

i know it was horrible, but after what he had done to me, i couldn't resist.

"you're lying!" i pushed against him again, the tears falling down my red cheeks in anger as i gripped his face and made him look at me. i knew that he could see all of the memories, all the hardships that i went through in my pools of blue, his hazel eyes showing a break in his armor of hostility as he looked at me.

"look me in the eye, and tell me that you didn't feel something! that what we had was a lie! look me in the eye, and tell me that you still don't love me!" i waited, tears brimming his eyes as he closed them and looked away once more.

"i don't! i can't!"

"stop lying to me!" my voice cracked, portraying how hurt i truly was as i let him go, falling to my knees as i let the sobs wrack my body. what was the use? he was never going to tell the truth, never explain why he left. was it out of fear for greg? was there somebody else that he hadn't told me about? what else could it have been?

"how am i supposed to tell you the truth when it will only hurt you even more?" my worst fear had come true; he'd found someone else. he and i both knew that it was our worst fear when we were together; that we would leave one another for somebody else.

"how could you? how could you treat my heart like a piece of trash, as if i hadn't given you my all! i gave you my virginity; jesus christ, my  _virginity_! you know how i feel about that! i loved you so much, still love you, and now you betray me in one of the worst ways possible!" he reached out to me but i pulled back, shaking my head as i pointed towards the door.

"get out. get the  _fuck_  out before i tell harry to come back." he was hesitant, then his eyes lit up with just as much fury as mine at the mention of harry.

"don't act like you're completely innocent in this! you've always loved harry, even when we were together!" what? how could he say that to me?

"what are you talking about? harry and i  _never_  had anything going on when we were together! he knew how much i loved you; hell he's the only reason why i'm still  _on_  this god forsaken planet! with no help from you, obviously." i cried, more tears spilling out. but instead of being fueled by sadness they were fueled by anger.

"so you admit that you two  _have_  gotten together after our breakup!"

"why does that bother you? it's none of your business what harry and i have done, and honestly, it shouldn't even be an issue to you! this was a mistake bringing you in here; i should have known that you would have never told me the truth." i shook my head, standing up to walk back to my room. he should be able to show himself out.

"don't walk away from me while i'm talking to you!" i rolled my eyes as i shook my head. who was he, my dad? i continued to walk away, hearing the stomping of is boots draw closer as he grabbed my wrist.

"i said stop!"

"i don't have to listen to you anymore! go away!"

"no! i'm not leaving!"

"yeah? why not? it's something that you're good at, trust me."

" _because i can't leave you again_!"

 


	27. Chapter 27

i froze, stopping in my path to my bedroom as i furrowed my brows.

"what?" his head was down, fringe covering his face as he avoided my gaze.

"you heard me. i can't, i  _refuse_  to leave you again." i scoffed, snatching my hand back as i turned away from him.

"yeah, okay. tell that to your new boyfriend. or girlfriend, i don't care."

"will you just, stop talking and listen? there is no "other partner". it's always been you, niall. always." i barely heard the last part due to his voice slowly dying out to a whisper, his grip on me weakening as he let go and gripped the bottom of his leather jacket.

"i've...you know how i've always struggled with opening up. this time is no different. i just need time, niall." my anger subsided, but i still had my guard up. i wanted to give him time,  _so much time_. but he had already taken away most of mine.

"you know that i've always understood you zayn, always gave you time when you needed it. but, when it comes to his, i can't. you don't know what it was like when you left, when i had to get through all of my emotions so i wouldn't have fallen apart by now. you have no idea what i've been through.

"but i do! you had harry niall, and that's why i'm so pissed off when i see the two of you around campus! i didn't have anybody to help me through what my parents made me do, help me fully realize what i had done. i had to figure it out on my own, figure out how to make myself sane again. i can't describe it, it's like you were my drug for the longest time, and my parents had made me quit cold turkey." his chest was heaving, and although i couldn't see his eyes, i could see the tear drops landing on his dark jeans.

"they thought that i wasn't safe around you anymore because of what greg and his friends had done to me. so they convinced me that it would be better if we had broken up. i shouldn't have done it, should have said something to you, but i was weak. i couldn't face you after that, and they saw how depressed i was. so they thought it best if we just moved from the area. that only made me miss you more." i felt my heart shatter, not knowing what to think.

i understand why he wouldn't go against what his parents tell him to do, and i wouldn't put him above my parents decisions either. but there's always going to be that side of me that says he should've at least explained to me instead of leaving me in the dark, leaving me to think that he had left me out of spite. i shook my head, leaving him on his position on the floor as i turned away.

"you need to leave zayn. i need...i need time to think about this. it's a lot." he nodded, wiping his nose as he stood up from his kneeling position.

"i'm sorry niall. i'm so sorry for putting you through what you went through. i loved you so much. i hope you don't ever let that thought leave your mind ever again." with that he left the house and softly shut the door behind him, and not even a few minutes passed before i heard the revving of his motorcycle engine roar to life and it soon fading away, leaving me alone in silence. i didn't know how to feel at all about our situation, wondering if i should have let him go again.

+

"what do you think i should have done harry? should i have let him stay? or should i think about it?" i sipped on my chocolate milk as i reached for another oreo, my stress levels becoming so high that i went out and bought some cookies and chocolate syrup for the milk i had in the fridge. my phone was leaning against my laptop, harry's body roaming around his kitchen as he prepared a snack. 

"i honestly think you made the right decision. jumping into something right away isn't always the best idea; i'm proud that you decided to wait instead of just jumping back into his arms. and i'm not just saying that because of the potential loss of our friends with benefits thing." i let out a small chuckle, watching as he leaned in and grinned into the phone before going back to the pantry to grab some more snack items.

"but seriously, i truly feel that if you and zayn are to ever have a chance with each other again, you need to process everything he told you today and just think." i stayed silent, figuring out that he was right as i nibbled on the last cookie i had in the pile on my lap.

"yeah, i guess you're right. i just don't know what to do, now. what if i wait too long?" harry shrugged, finishing with preparing his snack as he cleaned up.

"if zayn can't wait an extra week or two for you to be sure of yourself, then he isn't worthy of becoming your boyfriend again. enough said." with that he proclaimed that he had to go, hanging up the call as i sighed to myself and finished off the rest of my milk.

"wait for me."

 


	28. Chapter 28

already it was december, and i couldn't believe that i still had yet to talk to zayn about what he'd told me. i don't know why, i just couldn't look him in the eye, couldn't even stand the thought of him when his words continued to play in my head over and over again.

class with him was full of tension. i could barely look at him when we sat together, his eyes either focused on his laptop or straight at the professor. he knew i was processing everything and trying to understand, trying to come up with reasons as to how he could stay away from me for so long. if he truly loved me he would have tried anything that was logical for him to do; facebook, instagram, twitter. he had me on everything, and yet...

"your assignment for next class is to take a portrait of the person next to you. and i don't mean a basic, instagram photo; catch them in a moment where they aren't aware. catch them in a moment where  _you_  think that it expresses who they truly are. what their dominant emotion is, how they react; anything that you think truly describes them. i want an 8 x 10 sized picture on my desk by monday. see you all next class, and happy new year." i looked to my left to see that of course, i was at the end of the aisle. that meant that zayn was going to be my partner.

i huffed and packed away my things, standing up and quickly making my way towards the door and trying to ignore zayn's voice that was dangerously close. although i had processed what he'd said, i was too stubborn to approach him and apologize for not listening, the petty part of me telling me to stay away. that's the side of me that i'm trying to keep under control, because i don't want to blow up on him the next time we sit down and actually discuss what happened between us.

"niall come on, you know that we're stuck on this together. we're going to have to talk at some point." i bit my lip as i turned around, running a hand through my hair as i sighed.

"i know, it's just...i'm trying to keep my emotions fully under control so i don't blow up on you again. my anger makes my common sense subside as you know so, i'm just trying to hear you out when i'm calm and fully listening to you." he gave me a small smile and i could feel my knees weaken just from the small gesture, forgetting just how much of an effect he had on me.

"well...did you want to go somewhere that we can discuss this? we can go somewhere public or your house or mine...?"

"we could go to yours. if that's okay with you." he nodded, carefully placing his laptop into his case and then placing it into his bag and zipping it up.

"i'll meet you there? i have to ask the professor about some things to help clarify the limits of what the shots can be." i nodded and left the class, fishing out my car keys as i texted harry not to come over since i'd be working on the project with zayn. he understood and wished me luck, knowing how hard it had been for me to struggle with keeping myself under control.

+

his apartment reminded me so much of him; an extension of his personality as he ushered me in and shut the door behind him. i took in the abstract art hanging from the walls, black couches and white flooring pairing nicely with his black coffee table.

his small kitchen table had two black chairs with white cushions, white roses resting in a grey vase and standing tall and proud. his kitchen was spotless, a white fridge with a few reminders and grocery list stuck on with magnets littering the surface.

"are you thirsty? or hungry? i can make you something! i have water, soda, juice, alcohol, the works. i can order pizza though if you'd like? or chinese? or maybe—"

"zayn." he stopped, eyes wide as he turned towards me and scratched the back of his head. "i'm fine. it's okay." he nodded as he bent down to untie his boots, bag placed on the couch as he stood back up and turned on the light in the living room.

"i'm going to put these away you can just uh, sit anywhere you like." i did as was told and sat down on the couch, taking out my camera and messing with the settings. if i was being honest his place had great lighting, and i couldn't help but snap a few pictures of his living room just to get a feel for it, thinking about taking a few shots of him here for the assignment.

i had to get  _something_  of him before i left town to go home for new years, knowing that if i didn't get something soon i wouldn't have enough time to get something good for class. he came back as soon as i had snapped the last picture, his brows furrowing as he gave me a confused smile.

"your home has good lighting." i shrugged, watching as he awkwardly walked over with  _his_  camera and sat down across from me.

"uh, thanks? i guess." he chuckled, turning on his camera and expertly adjusting it to different settings to get the look he wanted. it was silent between us, yet for once it wasn't awkward or tense. it was comfortable, the two of us in our element as we silently thought to ourselves about how we would actually do this.

our silence was broken by a small laugh coming from him, smile wide and eyes crinkling as he placed his camera in his lap and rubbed his forefinger and thumb against his growing stubble.

"do you, do you remember when i bought you that polaroid for your birthday? and the first picture taken was me falling down after i tripped over all of the balloons we'd had left?" i grinned at the memory, laughing myself as i leaned back into the couch.

"oh, how hilarious that was. i still remember how blurry it was when it finally showed. i still have it, you know." i froze at my words, cringing to myself as i let it slip. how could i say that? now he'd probably think that i was creepy for keeping the picture, even after all that time.

"really? like, for real?" i nodded, feeling my cheeks heat up as he smiled at me and tilted his head in that way that made me go crazy. i couldn't take the embarrassment as i quickly stood, breath quick as i nervously laughed.

"i uh, i have to use the restroom."

"sure; just go down the hall and to the right. you can't miss it." he smiled while i took off down the hall, feeling even more embarrassed at how fast i was running away from him. so fast that i had completely missed the restroom and ended up in  _his_  room, my breath completely knocked out of me when i saw the drawing above his bed.

it only showed the top half of the boy, his back facing whoever was looking at the picture while brown almost shaggy hair stuck up in many different directions. his head was slightly turned back as if he was looking towards somebody, the expression vulnerable as if he had shown a part of him that nobody else had ever seen. from what i could see his eyes were blue, lips almost red and his skin flushed as his fingers showed that he was hugging himself.

i knew who that was in the picture and what moment that was, all leashes i had tied to my emotions being set free as i stepped back. my tears were running down my cheeks before i knew it, and my flight skills had set in as i ran towards the living room, zayn furrowing his brows as he quickly stood from his seated position.

"what's wrong?"

"i-i'm sorry i just, i have to go. it's not you, you didn't do anything i  _swear_ ; i'm just not ready right now. i'm sorry that i'm doing this i'm sorry..." i gathered my things and left, feeling terrible for leaving him on his own as i got out of there as fast as i could.

i just couldn't take it; knowing that he had a portrait of me right before the first night we'd...i had to leave. i had to get out of there. so i did; i ignored his pleas for me to stay and left his home, slamming the door shut behind me as i ran away from the thing that i love most.

 


	29. Chapter 29

"wait, you're saying that he had a portrait of you? like a blown up picture?" harry and i were seated on his couch across from each other, coffee in both of our hands as i snuggled up in his blankets and sipped on the steaming mug.

"not a snapped picture, but like a hand drawing that he'd done."

"and it was before the two of you had had sex? that's...it's sweet but creepy at the same time."

"tell me about it." i sighed, rubbing my forehead as i clenched my jaw. the more i thought about the photo the heavier my heart grew from missing him, wanting to just hold him in my arms and be the way that we used to. yet the rational part of me (along with harry) always brought me back to reality. things couldn't be patched up so easily.

we'd been apart for almost  _two years_  now, and a lot can happen in two years. we had to get to know each other again, understand parts of ourselves that the other has to discover once more, and i knew that it wasn't going to be easy. hell, the first time we got together was a roller coaster ride.

"i know how much you still love him niall. why don't the two of you just talk about it. tell him what you saw and what you think?" before i could even respond a knock on harry's door interrupted us, making me raise a brow as he shrugged. he stood up and answered the door, and the voice i heard from the foyer made me freeze in my seat.

"is he here harry? i really need to speak with him. he ran out and i don't know why; i just want things to be  _right_  between us again, you know? even if it's just as friends." my heart beat significantly faster as i heard both sets of feet making their way towards the living room, so as quick as i could i brought the mug to my lips and kept it there, sipping on my coffee slowly as they all came in to view.

he looked so good and i could have whimpered at how lovely he was; tousled hair and loose t-shirt, sweats hanging low on his hips and converse clad in his feet as his tattoos peeked from his neck and chest from underneath the shirt.

"wait. do  _not_  move from that position." i raised a brow as he quickly dashed from harry's apartment, harry watching him with a strange look as he soon returned with his camera. with quick fingers he adjusted his camera to everything; the lighting the colors,  _everything_  before he raised it up to his face.

"look at me." i did as was told, mug still pressed to my lips as the flash went off.

"sorry...the project, you know?" i nodded, placing down my mug and slowly taking off the blanket.

"well, i'm going to go to my room so like, make yourself at home." harry nodded towards me as he retreated to his bedroom, zayn taking his spot on the couch as he folded his hands together.

"i saw your drawing of me. in your bedroom; that's why i left in a hurry." all color drained from his face as he cleared his throat, sputtering to find the right words as he tried to explain.

"i don't mind. it made me realize how much i've truly missed you." he froze, and i calmly waited for him to gather his words. was i beyond nervous? hell yes. i didn't know if he would react negatively towards what i said; hell he could even be angry because i had been in his room in the first place.

but instead he just stood up and walked over to me, sitting right next to me and engulfing me into his arms. head resting on my chest as his arms squeezed me hard, my own limbs hesitating but soon i reciprocated the actions.

"i'm sorry niall, i'm sorry. i've always loved you, always. and i don't think that i can ever stop." i felt my own tears come to my eyes as i felt a soft kiss press to my neck, right where my sensitive spot was. i felt uneasy, wondering if he was going to try to seduce me into forgiveness; but instead he stopped after that and just lie there, the both of us holding on to each other and never intending to let go.

+

i woke up to harry's living room and a weight on my chest, seeing a mop of silver underneath my chin and his soft breaths coming out in slow, even paces as we lie on his couch. i could still feel his lips on my neck from last night, the feeling similar to a warm flame constantly flickering against my neck. but not painful; almost like a soothing warmth.

it wouldn't go away, and i knew that once again he had planted one of his seeds deep into my heart, and the kiss was his way of sealing the deal. so i continued to lay there, ignoring the click of harry's phone camera as i just used one hand to stroke his hair, and the other to rub his back.

his cologne was overwhelming, like a toxic drug that filled me to the brim with want and longing. it was right here, in this moment that i realized that no matter what, i would never truly live my life normally without him. he really  _was_  like a drug, my constant need for him insane. the only way that i could feel okay was if he was right here with me like this, and that thought alone; it scared the shit out of me.

"what you do to me..." i mumbled, lips buried in his hair as i placed a small kiss. i don't know what this meant for us, but from how the corners of his lips turned up in the middle of his slumber, i was hoping that maybe for once, everything would turn out alright for us.

 


	30. Chapter 30

i felt both happy and stressed out as i packed my overnight bag for my parents house, biting my lip as i thought about if i had possibly forgotten anything while i was gone. a few days passed since zayn and i's encounter on harry's couch, and we'd decided to take things  _extremely_  slow.

we'd ask each other small questions, something you'd do with a person that you're barely trying to get to know. he understood the way that i felt, and he too realized that it was the most realistic choice possible. there was no way we could pretend that what happened didn't happen, because there was no way that you could possibly change the past.

thinking about him made me groan in frustration as i looked at my packed camera, a sigh escaping my lips as i pressed my palm against my forehead. today was new year's eve, and i had yet to take a photo of him for class. but that photo would have to wait, and like i did with everything else i would just do it last minute. it wouldn't be my best but it would be done, and that's all that i cared about as i gathered all of my things and got ready to haul them into my car.

as i walked outside i looked over to see zayn packing his rental car as well, his motorcycle not able to carry all of the things that he wanted to take home with him for new years. i smiled and waved as he returned the gesture, the action causing him to drop a box he'd been carrying and making him topple over.

although we both had changed, i still couldn't deny that he was still the same huge dork that he was when i first met him, my laugh coming out loud and proud as i held my hand on my stomach.

"a-are you okay?"

"yeah, i just hope i didn't damage anything by dropping it." he sighed, looking frustrated at first, but then laughing with me. if there was one of the many things that i for sure knew i was going to miss while i was at home, it was zayn. he really had made an impression on me once more and i felt that once the new year came, things would be a lot smoother.

+

family member after family member came rushing into my mother's house and greeted me with hugs and kisses, both familiar  _and_  unfamiliar faces greeting me as i awkwardly returned the affectionate gestures. but one little girl stood out to me as i grinned, watching her face light up once she spotted me and held her arms out.

"niall!"

"branna!" immediately i swept her up into my arms placing a large kiss right on her cheek, her giggles making my heart warm as i carried her over to the living room. not many of my other cousins arrived yet so the place was pretty quiet, seeing as all the women joined my mother in the kitchen and the men followed my father outside into the backyard.

"look how big you've gotten! and you swear you're only four?" she nodded, holding up four fingers as she grinned.

"your hair is yellow! no more brown!" i chuckled, feeling her small fingers thread through my hair as she disheveled it from it's perfectly placed style.

"i missed you." she sighed, resting comfortably on my lap as he dress lay sprawled out over the both of us.

"i missed you too, sweetie."

"where is zayn? i didn't see him when i came in!" she perked up all of a sudden, pigtails swinging around as she looked around the house. i felt my throat closing as i tried to find the words to help a four year old understand why he wasn't here.

"where is he? he never comes over to celebrate with us anymore. i miss him." she sat down beside me after jumping up in excitement, crossing her arms and pouting as she stared at the blank television set. i sighed, running a hand through her long brown locks placing a kiss on her forehead.

"i miss him too, branna."

after a while she'd forgotten about him, soon running around with the rest of our family that had shown up. i stood with my dad and a few others, talking about sports and how i was doing in college when the doorbell ringing caught our attention. everybody was supposed to be here already, and it was a couple of minutes before midnight.

so, who else could have shown up?

"i've got it." i placed my drink down on my way to the door, and as soon as i opened it i was glad that i did it; because i would have dropped it right then and there. his silver hair was styled up, leather jacket over his white shirt and black skinnies hugging his legs. black combat boots laced up and rings clad on his fingers, his signature silver chain hiding beneath his shirt.

the stubble he had grown was freshly shaved, and his nose piercing was gone—i assume he'd done it out of respect since my parents were never fond of piercings—and his signature smile was all it took to make me snap out of my trance as i quietly invited him inside.

quickly my parents came running, but i stuck an arm out to stop them, branna soon coming from the crowd and gasping.

"you came!" zayn's smile turned into a grin as he gasped, getting down on one knee as he accepted her with open arms.

"i sure did! and i'll celebrate with you in a few, but may i speak to your cousin niall for now?" she nodded, letting go of him and running back to our younger cousin's who had quickly lost interest in who zayn was and why he was here.

"what are you doing here? you told me that you were going to celebrate new years with your family?" he had his hands in his front pocket, biting his lip as he nodded and shrugged his shoulders.

"i was, but i realized that i wouldn't have anyone to kiss on new years." my heart warmed, cheeks flushing red as my father's voice rang out loud in clear throughout the house.

"one minute left until new years, everybody! let's start the countdown; 59, 58..." i felt my heart beat faster at the anticipation, each second that went by giving zayn the excuse to draw closer to me as everybody had soon joined in to the countdown, all eyes on us as they did so.

"you're insane."

"so i've been told." he smirked, our chests pressed together now as he gently wrapped his arms around my waist.

"15, 14, 13, 12, 11." their voices echoed, and my own voice inside my head counted down with them.

_10_

his fingers cupped my chin, tilting it up towards him.

_9_

"you don't know how long i've wanted to do this."

_8_

"i'm...i'm nervous."

_7_

"you don't have to be."

_6_

his hazel eyes looked in to mine, and it was then that all of my nerves had gone out the window.

_5_

my arms came up to his neck, loosely resting on his shoulders.

_4_

his breath fanned across my face, the familiar smell of mint and smoke welcoming me into his embrace.

_3_

his eyes closed.

_2_

then mine.

_1_

our lips finally met, and i could have sworn that fireworks were going off in my stomach. the cheers of my family had faded, and all that seemed to matter in the world was him. it only lasted a few seconds since we were in public, but it felt like hours, and i was breathless when he pulled away.

" _happy new year_."

 


	31. Chapter 31

zayn, branna and i lie in my bedroom, the rest of the family's loud chatter being muffled by the small television in my room as we played her favorite movie, my bag open from her rummaging through it. i knew that the first thing she'd wanted to do was take pictures with me, so i made sure to pack extra film for the polaroid as flashes went off around my bedroom.

that was over an hour ago though, and already she was asleep on the bed; blankets wrapped around her like a makeshift burrito as she slept soundly in zayn's lap.

"she missed you." i sighed, a smile on my face as zayn ran his hands through her hair. he didn't even respond as he was so caught up with her, his face showing that he had missed her just as much. without drawing attention i felt around my floor for my  _actual_ camera, grinning when i found it and adjusted the settings.

before he could even look up i snapped my photo, grinning when zayn finally looked away from her and towards me, a confused smile on his face as he eyed my camera.

"project, remember?" he only nodded and went right back to running a hand through branna's hair, almost like a father. he'd known branna ever since he was a baby, and before we had even gotten together back then, she was always fond of him as he was of her.

"you know, second to you, i really missed her the most when i was gone." he whispered, branna's soft breaths being the only thing to interrupt him as he sighed.

"i really am sorry for leaving you niall. i hope that you can forgive me."

"i already have, zayn. i couldn't bring myself not to." i scooted myself closer to my sleeping cousin, her flushed cheeks from laughing earlier slowly fading back to her normal fair skin color as i sat back.

"did you recognize me? at all? throughout the first couple of weeks of school?"

"i did, actually. but a part of me didn't want to believe that it was really you. i just couldn't face you because i couldn't even imagine how much pain i'd put you through. having that weight on my chest was completely unbearable, so i kept my distance until your co-worker let it slip." i rolled my eyes at the thought, louis' face flooding my mind as i smiled and shook my head.

"he's a real ditz, that one. but i love working with him." i shrugged, watching as zayn gasped and carefully removed branna from his lap.

"i almost forgot, wait here." i watched as he quietly left my room, and after a few minutes came back with something behind his back. with one quick thrust he shoved the book towards me, my eyes widening as i looked at him in utter surprise.

"you...you actually bought the book?" there in my hands was  _after_  by amy efaw, one of my favorite authors as he nodded.

"yeah! i remember back in high school you'd keep renewing it so you could re-read it over and over, and were so happy when we finally went to the book store and bought it. so i thought that it had to be something that i myself had to read."

"and, did you?" i asked, giving him back the book as he nodded and walked around to my side of the bed and sat down next to me.

"i did, yes. it taught me a lot actually, now that i think about it. how people react, how sometimes denial can be so strong that lies can become the truth. intense and powerful book." i grinned, happy that that's how he felt because i couldn't agree more.

"well, i'm glad you enjoyed it then." things grew awkward between us once more, my thumbs twiddling against each other while i looked down into my lap.

"be my boyfriend." the words caused me to snap my head up to him, looking for any sign of hesitation in his face as he gave me a small smile.

"it's not as spontaneous as when i kissed you while it was raining but, i want you to be my boyfriend again. but this time we're getting to know each other. no more remember when this, or remember when that." i chuckled.

"so, we can't remember what it was like before?"

"no, that came out wrong. i mean that we don't have to compare everything to how it was before. we both separated in the past and walked down completely different paths; paths that brought us together again. so we can keep the old ones but...why not make new ones?" i felt all giddy as i bit my lip, trying everything in my power to stop the large smile on my face from spreading as i nodded.

"okay. boyfriends, then."

"wait, just like that?" zayn looked surprised; happy, but surprised as i nodded.

"yes, dummy. boyfriends!" he laughed and tackled me to the floor, peppering kisses all over my face as he leaned over me.

"boyfriends." he sighed, his lopsided smile making me roll my eyes as i grabbed his collar and brought him closer.

"come here, loser."

 


	32. Chapter 32

"so what did you get on your portrait?" zayn had just exited the building, head down as he carried the plastic covered photo of me behind his back. he bit his lip as he sighed, shaking his head while looking away. oh no.

"i got an A." i raised a brow as he grinned at me, making me sigh in relief as i slapped his chest.

"you ass! i thought you failed!" i fell into his arms, smiling as he kissed the top of my head and placed an arm around my shoulder.

"nah, i'm too good to fail." i rolled my eyes as we walked down the campus areas to meet up with harry at our usual coffee shop, fingers intertwined and arms swinging between our bodies as we made our way around. it was a week after new years, and we were taking things as slow as possible, and honestly, i couldn't be happier.

zayn was a lot more understanding than i expected, and i was loving it. he never initiated anything in case i didn't feel comfortable, and when i did give him the okay he was cautious not to overstep any type of boundary i'd put up. he was perfect, and i was hoping that i was just as perfect for him.

"hey babe?"

"yep."

"you're perfect." i don't know how he did it, but he always knew what i was thinking. i could feel my heart warming as i leaned my head against his shoulder, soon arriving in front of the coffee shop and entering. harry was already seated, thumbs tapping against the screen of his phone while a warm latte sat on the table in front of him.

"hey, lovebirds. i know we promised to meet here but i have something to take care of; could we meet up some other time?" i nodded, watching him go as he grabbed his drink and ran out. so we sat together, zayn's hands holding mine as he smiled.

"you know, all this time i realized that i never told you things from my point of view." i furrowed my brows, tilting my head his hand slowly coming towards mine on the table as he smiled.

"what do you mean?"

"you've told me about what it was like when i left; but i realized that i never told you what it was like for me." i was curious; i know that while he was gone i had always assumed that he was having the best time ever, that he had found somebody new. i might as well let him share his side of things, right?

so i nodded, scooting my seat closer to the table while zayn flagged down one of the many waitresses running around the small coffee shops.

"excuse me? two coffees, please."

 


End file.
